Indulgence in a lack of self confidence

“Does this person truly like me? Oh, what an idiot I must have sounded like! I can’t believe I said that! Why did it take me ten minutes to get such a simple point across? I can’t believe I spent so much time talking and I didn’t make any point at all.” This is the story of my life. Whenever I have a conversation it is with a great deal of self conscious difficulty. Every conversation I have I end up over-analyzing and critiquing. Part of this is simply the way I’m wired; I process slowly. While not unintelligent, I am not as mentally nimble as I feel most other people are.  It takes me time after conversations to go over what was said, how it was said, and what was implied. I spend a surprising amount of time mulling over previous conversations. The things that stuck out to me and how I would have responded to them if only I had thought more quickly. Most people have been in the position of thinking of the perfect retort to an insult only after it’s too late to respond. I sometimes feel as though my every conversation is like that.

Aside from being personally frustrating, this isn’t normally an issue. The people close to me understand this about me, and usually it means that when we get together again I come back to them with, what I hope, are insightful thoughts. The downside to this is that it lends itself to a thought process that focuses on the negative. When processing conversations my inclination to focus on the awkward, mistake ridden parts is very high. The feeling of “Oh, I should have said that.” Or “I can’t believe that sentence just came out of my mouth. I’m going to turn three shades of red, not look them in the eye, and hope that a.) they didn’t notice, or b.) that Buffy finally fails to save the world and the apocalypse happens right now to save me from my embarrassment.” I’m still waiting for that last one to happen, but Buffy is just too darn reliable. In the absence of the apocalypse I muddle through the conversation. The conversation that, despite my constant notation of every mistake I made, generally ends up being positive and enjoyable.

There is a benefit to being aware of one’s faults. That awareness can give perspective, keep you humble, and can motivate you to improve yourself. The problem arises when you don’t just acknowledge your faults and move on. When you focus on the negativity of your shortcomings that negativity will bleed into other aspects of your life. Allowing yourself to focus on your own shortcomings to that extent is an unhealthy indulgence. For me, that indulgence  manifests itself negatively in my self confidence. When I indulge in the negativity of my faults, I end up indulging in a lack of self confidence.

Those few negative thoughts of frustration about my conversational ability snowball and grow into something so much larger. By giving into that tiny bit of negativity, I end up hurting myself in ways far more reaching than one might assume. On the surface the idea that allowing that small amount of negative indulgence could affect me on such a large scale seems ridiculous. In answer to that I wonder if you, dear reader, would inspect your own negative indulgences. See if your own negativity truly stays contained.

My desire for the future is to react to my shortcomings differently. I am human and I will always have faults, quirks, flaws. I wish to accept them as beautiful aspects of myself. Accept them with an understanding that they are part of what makes me an individual. My skill, or lack thereof, at conversation is one of those aspects. I don’t wish to indulge in negativity or a lack of self confidence any more. I am going to realize that I am a beautiful work in progress. I am loved despite, and sometimes, amazingly, because of aspects of myself that I see as faults.

Reflection on Change

Change. It’s a word that, all at once, can bring out a plethora of emotions. Fear, excitement, trepidation, anticipation, sadness, hope.

As a  former military brat and current military wife I have experienced all of those and more. I thrived on that change. Moving. Making new friends. Discovering new cultures, both local and foreign. The excitement and joy that comes from getting to start over every duty station was something that I grew to anticipate. Even today that anticipation is still with me. I get the travel bug every two years. I’m ready for a new adventure and a new place to start over. Ready to leave behind the accumulated mistakes and lost opportunities. Certain that in the next place I will do better, be better, accomplish more, act more quickly, take advantage of the next station in a way that I didn’t in the current one.

While I still love the lifestyle and the opportunities that the military affords, I find myself paralyzed by fear at the thought of having to start over again. Afraid of future change because of past failure. Yet again I wasn’t able to cultivate the friendships I thought I would. I didn’t have all the adventures I was sure that THIS time I would make happen. I didn’t enjoy the beauty of the mountains because of my inability to see beyond the monochromatic landscape of the desert. With this fear of continued failure my desire for change has gone. Instead of seeing change as the opportunity for new success, I have begun to see it as another opportunity for failure.

This life of continual change is difficult. Not just for those in the military, but for every person. Change is the only constant and it is constantly hard. Making new friends. Starting that new job. Seeing friends move away. For me it is finding a new support group, packing up my entire life and starting over in a new place for what feels like the hundredth time. It’s hard, and it keeps getting harder.

I have forgotten that it doesn’t have to be. Somehow in the last three years I lost my love of change. The desire to grow and shift. That sense of adventure and excitement. I don’t know how, but I’ve lost it, and now that it’s gone I realize how important it was to me. How much I miss it.

It has often been said that the only way to fix a problem is to first realize that the problem exists. Having done that I now need to work to rediscover that love of change. Rediscover how to look forward towards the next adventure instead of dreading it. I have come to believe part of that process is to make sure that I work to love where I am and what I have right now. To take full advantage of the wonderful friendships, the nearby family, the adventures available now, and the beauty of the landscape. I need to take advantage of everything that I currently have because when I do move on I don’t want to look back with regrets. Instead of fearing failure in the future I need to see success in the now and use that as my compass for change.

A dear friend recently reminded me that “Hopes and dreams are only as strong as your commitment to pursue them. It’s 2016 [and the Chinese New Year has] just arrived. You have every reason to reset your energy, clear the slate”. As usual she is completely insightful and correct.

So this is my clean slate. My looking to the future through appreciation of the now. When change comes, bringing with it that new adventure, I know that I will be ready because I will have done as much with my current adventure as possible. I encourage you to do the same.